I'm so sick of it...I don't know what to do...
Last Wednesday, almost a week ago, I got the results of my last school year...and I just don't know what to think of it. Last year they didn't give me my Propedeuse (a document you normally get at the end of your first year in college). They gave me the chance to go to the second year and hopefully get this Propedeuse in the second year, so I should have get it this year. But around Christmas I only got my Propedeuse for dance teacher and not for the performing part. I hoped, and actually thought I'd get it at the end of the year, so that had to be last week, and when I wouldn't get it...they'd let me do this year again. But what happened is...they didn't give me my Propedeuse again but I can go to the next year. Maybe it doesn't sound as awful as it feels for me, but this means I'll have another year of insecurity. They even told me there is a chance I'll never graduate as a stage dancer, but only as a dance teacher and that's not what I want...if dancing still is what I want anyway...I don't know anymore...I feel so empty...it's hard to explain...

Honestly I'm thinking of quiting...or actually...I'm considering it. That possibility is in my mind already for a pretty long time, maybe even for a year or longer, because school doesn't make me happy and when I think of being a dancer...I'm not getting happy feelings anymore. But I'm not getting many happy feelings about anything at this moment...I just don't know what to do...what if I give up my dream...what if another education won't make me happier...and then there's a financial side as well...

Ok...something nice as well ;) Last Saturday Justin Timberlake was in the Netherlands for a press conference and a showcase to promote his new album. Like I told before, dutchchannie knew about the news as one of the first, so we were two of the 1500 lucky people to see his performance.



First of all the concert started 30 minutes too late, (which made Channie freak out) but the waiting was all worth it. He started with two songs of his old album Justified, 'Cry me a River' & 'Senorita'. During the rest of the show he presented five new songs of his upcoming album, like 'What Goes Around' and 'She knows' and old hits like 'Like I Love you' and 'Rock your body' and he closed the show, of course, with his brand new single 'Sexy Back'.
The show was really up-close and personal. Channie and I found ourselves pretty good spots (except for an irritating girl who was trying to steel our spots ;)) from where we had a gorgeous view on Mr Justin Timberlake himself! It was definitely a great show, with some fantastic songs. Justin is an awesome singer, with some great vocal capability's...yeah I really enjoyed his show..It's a pity that even with this kind of entertainment, my thoughts and worries were taking control of me sometimes.





After the show Chantal stayed with me the rest of the weekend, so we had enough time to enjoy the rush that Justin's performance gave us. Next to that, we could enjoy the lovely weather and work on our project!!

Just have to update...don't know why because I don't have very long stories to tell...but it's nice to leave my feelings here...

First of all, last week I concured something!! After maybe 8 years I bought a bikini for myself!!! It's awful, but I've always hated my body that much that I didn't want to walk in a bikini or something. I'm still not totally happy...but all the intensive dance rehearsals of the last two or actually three years have paid off. Now I feel more secure about my body, well about my upperbody, I'm not ashamed anymore about that part of my body...so that's good news :)

Last night dutchchannie called me with the awesome, fantastic, amazing news (yeah, this one's for you chan) that Justin Timberlake will visit the Netherlands upcoming saturday with his Sexyback Club Tour. Tickets went on sale this morning...and Channie was of course the first one to get them, which means the two of us will see Justin this saturday!!! How nice :D:D And when he doesn't dance...I'll drive crazy hahah, sorry but I just have to see his dance moves...what can I say...I'm a dancer ;)

Thinking about performances like Justins, makes me a little sad as well, thinking about everything that's happening with the Backstreet Boys. I got this awful feeling, that I won't get many possibility's anymore to see the boys. Damn, it sounds so childish, but you know...they're a big part of my inspiration. I hope they won't give up on it now...

I'm still stressed and nervous when I think of upcoming Wednesday. That's the day I'll hear if they let me go to the next year at the academy. Three weeks ago, a classmate heard that she won't make it till the next year. It's positive that they didn't give me that message, but it doesn't mean I'm save. Not at all! I can't do anything but waiting...but that's the hardest thing...it's not fair... So I'll just have to wait...wait...wait...

Ok I have to post something positive right now...all those sad messages...blergh..
I've got a lot of pictures of the end-performance..they're made by visitors...so the pictures are not professional, I think we have to wait for that a couple of months but it's at least something, so check End-Performance 2006 and see the pictures!

Now something nice...One of my teachers, Manja, she teaches modern dance, came to me this morning and said to me: 'You must have had a lot of surprised reactions after the show'. I told her about my mom, but as well about the nice reaction of my dad. And she was like: 'Yeah I saw you enjoyed it (just like my dad sad) and I thought, they must have enjoyed watching her. You're becoming a woman on stage, and I have seen so much changing since the beginning of this year'. That made me so happy, that she saw something in me on stage and that she enjoyed watching me. Earlier, I think a week before the show, she already gave me such a great compliment. She made a piece for the performance and she told me that I was so beautiful in her choreography. 'Now start enjoying it' she said...that's so nice...she really made me happy with that today:)

( End-Performance Dansacademie Noord Nederland 2006 )

Ok....feeling awful....damn....
This weekend I had my end-performance...and now my whole class is here and I have to hear that parents gave compliments about a lot of people out of my class but not about me...and that hurts... I tried so hard but nobody notices me on stage. And my dad was the only one who gave a compliment about me. My mom liked the show....Yeah thanks...but WHAT ABOUT ME??? My dad sad he was so proud of me and that he finally had the idea that I enjoyed dancing and that he was so proud of me. He said I lost a lot of weight and he thinks I am a beautiful woman... I like that...a beautiful woman and not a beautiful girl...

But still...it's not nice when other people don't say anything about you. I already felt unimportant during the show because I was the only one without a singing solo...While my grades are better than the singing grades of other peoples out of my class. All those thoughts ruined the performance. I felt so bad during the rehearsals and before going on stage. I couldn't enjoy the performance because of all those stupid thoughts! I'm trying sooo hard...but what is it...am I not the right person to shine on stage??...I don't know... Maybe it's stupid...but I just need complements...please for once I want to hear I'm good at something...well it's clear I don't have to expect that...I'll probably have to tell myself I'm a good dancer...well that's exactly the thing I'm not good at....DAMN

Worries...Sleepless Nights...and worries again...

There's nothing I can do...I just have to be patient...But saying that to myself doesn't help. I've got this scary feeling that I won't have rest till I know if they let me go the next year at the academy. It's so stressful and hard to live with those insecurity's every day...really it drives me crazy. I'm feeling nervous and stressed...when I think about it too much, I feel my heart beating like hell and my whole body getting shaky and weak...but I can't help it...

Wish this whole mess was over now...I JUST WANT SECURITY AND CLEARNESS...

There are those moments that blogthings are very relaxing...most of all when the results are nice :)

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Romeo Juliet

"Has my heart loved 'till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw a true beauty 'till this night."

I love it :) Because I love Romeo & Juliet, I Love their kissing scene and I love the text written above because we had a beautiful dance on that song by Desiree...

I know, I'm hopelessly romantic...

It has been a heavy week, but I survived :) Monday I visited the Musical Awards Gala, the Dutch award show for musicals. The show was in Ahoy, where the Backstreet Boys performed last October as well! Memories haha :)
Tuesday and Wednesday we had rehearsals for a performance last Thursday and Friday, and for a performance for upcoming Tuesday. Last Thursday and Friday, we had the performance of some kind of project we've been working on for almost a year now. It was not in a theater, but in a church, and not a normal church, no the church is/was under construction, so it was a big mess there, sometimes even dangerous and verrry cold!! We were standing there in these cold little white dresses, while it was only 13 degrees in the church...
Upcoming Tuesday we have to perform at the presenting of an AchievementAward. The show is all about rhythm, so we're doing a tap act, not my strongest talent, but it's an interesting act!

The 23th and 24th of June, we have the 'end-performance' of the dance academy. So we are rehearsing for that as well, we have a heavy schedule, but at the end it's hopefully all worth it.

Last weekend I didn't go home to my mom, but I went to dutchchannie, my partner in crime ;) We had a very nice weekend, working on our project and talking about school and the past. She's one of the only people who always listens and who understands my feelings...don't know what to do without her haha :)

I finally found words for the way my classmates treat me...it feels like I'm some kind of practical object and not a person. You know, when they need me for something, I exist, but for personal things, like going out, or eating together, they will never ask me. At the end they will, but they'll never make an appointment with me first...Sometimes I really think I'm some kind of fool, being so nice for everyone and helping everyone out, while I have to deal with my problems on my own...

Damn it has been some time...sorry...
I have been very busy with school and worrying...hmmz sounds a little strange but it's difficult to explain.
Anyway, I've had my exams for this year. Two weeks ago I finished my practical exams and last week my theoretical exams. Now we're starting a rehearsal period for the performance in june. I'm looking forward to that, well it's at least better then before... No theory anymore, no stress for deadlines...great!
Yesterday I signed in at Myspace, so I hope I have time to update both livejournal and Myspace.
Tonight the finale of Dancing with the stars, the Dutch version of the tv-programme Strictly Come Dancing. I truly love this program and I'm curious who's going to win tonight. But the two couples who are in this finale are both my favorites, so I don't really care! But very honestly, I hope Winston (actor) and Euvgenia will win! We'll see!!
My dad just called!! You probably think what's so special about that...well my dad went on a religious trip to Israel for two weeks, and with all the bombings there, it scared me a little. But he just called and he's back in Holland. Since my parent's divorce, my dad changed and he became very religious. This trip meant a lot to him, so I hope he had a good time. Later this day he'll stop by so I'll hear more about Israel...
Enough for now! I'll try to update soon!

Back at school...My vacation is over and it's not easy. Had a long talk with my dad on the phone yesterday. He always makes me cry because he exactly knows to start about the things which I'm worrying about at that moment. Besides that I gained weight again and I hate it...it's almost like an obsession, you know I'm always thinking about it and it's not like I'm having an eating disorder but it's just an awful issue :S

I'm still at school. We are working on a project and tonight we have a meeting till 10.00 AM... same story tomorrow. Pretty heavy...Anyway I wanna go home...I feel awful, dissapointed and lonely...I went to the library after the last lesson to get some sheet music I like...always makes me feel a bit happier.

Think I gotta go...can't be to late for the meeting...

I had my driving test today at 11.40 am. It was my second time...two months ago I failed. The examiner said I was a little to careful, so with some extra lessons I'd made it. Well after my last lessons this week I wasn't so sure...but I made it :D:D I got my driving licence.

I have my Spring Break...really needed that. My last week at the academy was awful...I felt terrible during the lessons and not wanted and I was dissapointed by a decision about a project we're working on...

Now I can enjoy my break :D trying not to think of that week and being happy about my licence :D

I've just done a little test. Seems I have chosen the right training after all ;) But honestly I made the test very quick I should do it more serious once...but nice anyway! I'm pretty interested in biology, don't understand that result...well like I said...just have to do it more seriously once!!

You scored as Dance. You should be a Dance major! Like a lithe ballerina, you dance because you believe there is beauty in expressing the physical form. </td> Dance 83% Theater 75% Philosophy 67% Art 67% Journalism 67% Sociology 58% Psychology 58% Mathematics 50% Chemistry 50% Linguistics 50% Engineering 42% English 33% Biology 25% Anthropology 25% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

I think I'm on the right way...but I still have a long way to go...
There are moments I'm really feeling ok...instead of acting like that because people expect you to be ok. So many times I hear: 'You're doing better, right? You're smiling again...' When they say that I'd really like to scream and tell them I'm just pretending to be ok...but they wouldn't understand that anyway.
But when I think back of last week, I feel like I really had some good moments for once. I think there are two things that helped me feeling a little better:
- I didn't leave for home last weekend, but went to my partner in crime dutchchannie. We had a very nice weekend, we spent most of the time making a birthdaycake. Seriously it took 8,5 hours to make it, haha, but the result was worth it, and it tasted so good...
- Next to that, the last two weeks, I'm starting to see for myself that I'm not always the worst in the dance classes. It still feels like it most of the times, but there are two lessons in which I finally get the chance to dance...because the dance combinations seem to be made for me..it feels so good to dance them.

Last thursday we had a workshop Musical Theatre. It was pretty confronting, after we performed a dance combination, he made three groups of us on alphabetical order to perform the combination once more. After that he made a new selection of three groups, like it was an audition. The first group was the group with the people who were in his opinion the best...most of all because of their expression. I was in second group...believe me I was relieved...he said he loved my improvisation... In the third group were the people who didn't show any of their personality. I always hear my expression is my weak point, I see myself as the worst one of class, especially on this point, but the fact he didn't put me in the last group, gave me a good feeling.

Today I was checking out some pictures of peeps out of my class...and it's so obvious I'm almost never on these pictures, even not on the group pictures. I know I don't like to go on pictures, especially with girls out of my class...they're all so beautiful and I really feel f*cking ugly next to them. But of course sometimes I pity I'm never on those pictures...I can put all the blame on myself, but it works both ways. For example...one of the girls out of my class gave a birthday party (already some months ago) and she took a picture with everyone, and when it was 'my turn' she put me together with some other girls and made a picture of me with them, like she saved herself from being photographed with me...believe me...that hurts...

Okay, I just needed to relieve my feelings. I've actually never written such personal things in my journal...but it feels good...:)

Last Sunday, the 22nd of January, I went to see the Dutch musical Jesus Christ Superstar. Leading roles were played by Dieter Troebeleyn (Jesus), Martin van der Starre (Judas) and Casey Francisco (Maria Magdalena).

The Apostle Simon was played by Jamai,the winner of the first Dutch Idols competition (the Dutch version of American Idol). He was never very succesful as a popartist; only his first single made it to the top of the Dutch charts. Soon after his popcareer he made the switch to musicals. I had never heard him since, till the presentation of the Dutch Musical Awards 2005. He sang there in a presentation of Jesus Christ Superstar, one of the musicals for the next season. And I was surprised! Damn that boy had a voice, suddenly I heard the real posibilities of his voice.
Last December I saw Casey Francisco (Maria Magdalena) singing the Dutch version of "I don't know how to love him" and it was sooo beautiful, I almost got tears in my eyes. This convinced me to go to this musical, together with my mom.

I had to get used to the setting of the show. In the movie, they travel through the desert and the Israeli county. But in this stage version, they didn't travel, the story was enacted at one place. The leading roles had beautiful strong voices. Some songs, like Maria Magdalena's and the hopeless songs of Judas, were very touching. The polyphonic songs were very powerful

There was one moment, I really couldn't stop my tears. The torture of Jesus really cut me through the marrow. I already had a hard time seeing that in the movie, but seeing it in real life, was even harder. I was curious how they would solve this torture on stage. I was a little frightened that it would be clearly fake, but I think the solution they found for this situation was great. The torture was interrupted by a song of Maria Magdalena, I just felt the true pain she suffered. And then, of course, the crucifixion. Well I can say so much more about this show...but I won't bore you with that...;)

I may be trained for a musical dancer, with the emphasis to dance, this musical, which contains just a little dancing parts, attracts me as well, when I think of possible musicals I'd like to play in. This kind of musicals are the ones that really touches people. It's so impressive.

Anyway, it has been some time since I left a theatre impressed and inspirated for my training. I can't say this feeling is helping me through this week, but thinking of it gives me at least the spirit to move on!

I got some pictures of my internship at the television show Miljoenenjacht, I'm not at the right computer now, so I'll add two pictures first, and later I'll edit this entry.



This is a picture of one of my classmates, Shari, with me. Because we have to wear wigs for this show, our hair was in pigtails. Our classmates said we we're both so cute with these pigtails, so they called us teddy bears...see picture....Shari & Me being sweet teddy bears...

( Miljoenenjacht )

Before I forget...HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! Wish you all a lot of health, love and fun for the upcoming year! Personally I hope to have a better year then last year, but that has to be possible with a little luck! Hope to be able to enjoy my study and my dancing more than I did during the past year...

Just one week left of my holidays...but I'll enjoy it like never before...hopefully ;)
Last week I've been practicing a lot for my driving license, unfortunately I didn't make it so I still have to take lessons for my next try in February.

I didn't feel totally fit last week, after all the training, preliminary examinations and internships, I physically kinda collapsed. But I feel a lot better at the moment, although I'm still a little tired.

An hour ago my dear friend dutchchannie left. She lives two hours traveling from here, and she's been here for 3 days. We really had a lot of fun with some kind of project we're working on for 5 months already, it brings up all my creativity. Next year, she'll move to Groningen, where I live during my schooldays as well, for her study American Studies, so that's something to look forward to!